warrior

I have never thought of myself as a warrior, but I realize now staying in a marriage for 31 years makes me a warrior.  I wanted to be treated as a partner, not an afterthought, and fought to keep it together for my family which makes me a hell of a warrior. All those instances where I found out some very crucial bit of information long after I should have, and long after I could have done anything about it, but swallowed it all down and moved on for the sake of my family made me a warrior.  When all I wanted was an equal say, but always found out months and even years later I had no say, but stayed anyway so my family would be intact made me a warrior. 

My ex husband's main form of abuse was financial, and then hidden alcohol abuse. I am sure many of you had different forms of abuse or cheating, physical, mental, financial, control, and many others. Getting over it and moving on for the sake of the family is in its own way a form of control and abuse. Of course in my situation it was always, "well it is over with and we need to move forward", but to me each and every instance, and believe me there were many in my 31 years marriage, each and every instance that I chose to move on from made me lose a bit of myself. And with each new betrayal, my heart would add another brick to the wall I was erecting around it. Now after all these years, and all these betrayals from him, but also the betrayals I did to myself, it is time to heal and break down the walls that have grown higher and thicker around my heart.

Therapy has helped, and for me lots and lots of internal work from narcissistic experts. Their wonderful programs have helped me to see the light again. I hope that you too will look into counseling, shadow work, groups for divorce or grief, have long talks with friends that support you, walk in nature and find hope again. I still need to take lots of deep breaths, doing calming work, listen to healings and meditations, use positive affirmations and care for myself. All of these things I continue with each and every day to walk further on my healing path.  In the beginning all of those things were so hard to do as I had lost myself so long ago. When I first started this divorce process I didn't even know who I was, I did not know how to care for myself as I thought so little of myself and my needs. I was so stuck in fear and panic I couldn't even get out of my car to take a walk on the beach, I didn't buy anything for myself, or even treat myself to a small bouquet of flowers.  I was stuck for months and months. It took a lot of counseling to treat myself to anything.  All of who I truly was had been swallowed up long ago. As time has moved on all of these things became easier.  As the fear and panic started to fade versions of my true self started to emerge. 

I am here to be a friend and help in any way I can, I care about your recovery. If you have been through pain and loss you are a warrior as well.  Don't ever forget the battles you have been through but remember the fighter in you who has made it this far.  You are incredible! This week let us concentrate on taking some deep breaths placing one hand on your heart and one on your abdomen. Slowly inhale and hold, then slowly exhale. In that moment of breathing know that you are enough, you are worthy and you deserve to live a life full of love and hope. And you deserve to do one thing for yourself this week. Buy yourself flowers, go for a walk, read a book, look at artwork, go for a drive in the country, take a walk on the beach, talk to a friend. One thing for your self seems minor but it is the biggest thing to do to teach yourself that you matter, you  are worthy and you are enough.  It is a big step forward. And you deserve to move forward just like I do.